Falling mentally and physically

Exactly one month ago I had a bike accident. I could not walk and had crutches.
By falling down I fell not only psychically but also mentally. I had a huge breakdown.
I was laying in bed for most of the time and my dear friend Karolina took care of me all the time.

I tried to stay positive and decided that I have a lot of time now to work on my Mac Book and get work done. After a few days of getting a lot of work done, I got robbed while I was in the house. A stranger laying underneath the table when I was walking with my crutches outside the room. I screamed “hello, are you okay?” I thought one of the maids came back and fell to the ground. But, no, a guy stood up and ran away with my Mac Book in his hands. I was shaking, not able to run or either walk.

I was emotionally crushed. Having the feeling every hope and positive vibe in my body left and was working against me. I moved to Karolina her room and was depending on her. People who know me, know that I have a huge problem with asking for help. Now I didn’t have a choice.

Working was impossible and walking too. I tried to fast walking and fell many times hurting myself even more. Believe me, I cried and felt everything was falling apart and questioning every cell in my body. I had a rollercoaster of positive and negative vibes. Trying to get back up and fight back.

But finding now that fighting is not an option. Definitely not when you are hurt physically and mentally. Here came another challenge for me. My whole life I have been fighting for things rather than loving. You cannot fight when you are hurt, you have to love. With this, I mean loving my body and my mind. Rather than fighting like telling myself; how extremely stupid I was and how my body is an idiot for not working as it should. I even started walking when I couldn’t even walk and gave my body even more pain.

I remember people telling me “why are you so hard for yourself”? Somehow this came up in my mind a few times. Never listened to it but heard this a lot and since I didn’t have a lot to do every day I start to question it. Why am I seeing my body as my enemy and why am I hurting it with my mind. Why I don’t love the person I am today, walking or not walking. Why I always have to fight and not to love. Finding one simple answer: I was always bullied, people fighting me when I just wanted to be loved. I always had to defend myself which I was not capable of at a young age. So growing up I learned how to fight back to not get hurt.

This does not mean I blame my past for my future but it does make sense how I react sometimes. It’s an unconscious defending mechanism that continues to act in the same old way as it always did.

Moreover, I learned the hard way who my friends are and who aren’t. Either way, I am grateful for learning myself, my body and the people around me much better. Fall down seven times stand up eight. As the Japanese would say (in Japanese than of course).

So cheers to change cheers to being consciousness of my mind and the power of my body. Cheers to the fact that I appreciate walking now more than anything and I am grateful for all that I am and excited for all that I will become.

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